the first trimester
There it was, the positive test, and saying I was ecstatic is an understatement. That immediate reaction is always a heart racing excitement and positive attitude and dreams of a baby in my arms, but a positive pregnancy test after multiple losses is mixed with so much fear. No matter how many people tell you to relax, it is better for the baby, it becomes nearly impossible and the suggestions and support from those that don't understand can be hard to listen to, even if they come from the best of places. I found that leaning on one or two people who had experienced such pain was comforting.
The first few weeks crawled by, like waiting for paint to dry or water to boil. Because of my past, and more than that because I have incredibly good friends that happen to be fertility doctors, I was watched closely and given progesterone and lovanox and constant appointments to track my progress. This time I did get pregnant the old fashion way (IVF and I just don't mix but I had seemed to be able to get pregnant on my own, just not hold it... until now) but I was treated by the fertility doctors for my first trimester anyway and I am beyond thankful for that. The extra appointments gave me the peace of mind I needed to get through the weeks of waiting.
This pregnancy I closed myself off early, in a way I hadn't before. I had always turned to my art for comfort and support when things were tough, it gave me the release I needed, but somehow this time was different. I can't explain it, and retrospectively I can't understand it, but I needed to just shut down and move forward step by step and I am ok with that.
The fine line of telling people and not can be difficult, especially when you have many dear friends. I am so fortunate to have such incredible friends near and far that care so much about me and I didn't want any of them to feel upset I hadn't said anything but once you say it then you have to keep people up to date with what is going on and it becomes overwhelming. Waiting seemed like the best option yet slowly but surely over the course of those first few weeks I told my good friends. When someone I am friends with, yet not close, asked me around 7 weeks if I was pregnant I was so upset that my reaction still embarrasses me to think about. But the truth is when you have had a miscarriage, or many, you just don't know what is going to happen and you think about it over and over and over. Everything seems so stressful in the moment and certainly that moment was one of the worst, but like everything else I had great friends that calmed me down and made me see it wasn't so bad.
Each ultrasound was a victory... seeing the heart beat, the growth, the arms and legs moving around. The whole things felt so surreal. Most people say that by the third they are less stressed or worried about the pregnancy because they are tending to their children, they forget what week they are, or even that they are pregnant. Maybe there will be a time later in my pregnancy that I will say that, I'm not sure, but for now I don't think about much else.
I know this is going to be my last pregnancy, and I want so desperately to enjoy it, I actually really love being pregnant. So step by step, day by day, week by week I am getting there. Each victory makes it easier to relax a bit more and now, as the first trimester has come to an end, and my stomach has grown enough to be a permanent reminder that baby is in there and growing strong!
2016-07-18_0001